A month ago I was walking home after a particularly productive poi spinning class and as I reached George IV Bridge I received a text informing me that a family member had been ‘killed brutally’. The news was shocking enough without THE ENTIRE MESSAGE ALSO BEING WRITTEN IN CAPITALS. I of course stopped dead (no pun intended) in my tracks, and sort of keeled over.
The person who sent the message was merely informing me and did not mean me any harm. But it has had me wondering about the use of technology to deliver bad news. I received an email recently telling the story of a young woman who first found out that her parents had split up when her mother’s Facebook status changed to ‘single’. The ensuring conversation took place on their Facebook walls and went something along the lines of: ‘Daughter: So, you and dad have split up then? Mother: Ooops, sorry, I forgot to mention it’.
So, why is the insensitive delivery of bad news via technologies such as SMS, email, social networks so commonplace? Here are some suggestions:
Ignorance: Is it just because the rules have changed and we don’t know what they are? I mean, who teaches correct etiquette for communicating with new technologies? How do we keep up with the rules when the technology affecting our social lives is changing so rapidly?
Callousness / insensitivity: Is it because all the technology that we are using to create, build and maintain our relationships is chipping away at our humanity, and diminishing our capacity for compassion? People dump each other publicly on Facebook, sometimes changing their relationship status before informing their partners so that the partner ends up hearing about it from some third party from the community. You can change your relationship status so quickly, so easily with a couple of clicks of your mouse and yet that simple act can cause such devastation and humiliation if you don’t speak to your soon-to-be-ex partner first.
Lack of shame & accountability: Is it because we don’t hold our friends, families, colleagues and acquaintances accountable when they deliver news in a hurtful or humiliating way? I can’t help thinking that this kind of bad behaviour is not feared as we can always find ways to justify our actions and nobody will really hold us to account. I once got dumped by text – by a guy (tall in height, short in character) who got into his car and drove out of the city before sending me a text while I was at work saying: ‘Hi Bela. I’m afraid I’ve left town and am on way to ____. Will talk soon x’. Like a coward, he struck from a safe distance. The spineless fool never did call and explain. (Apologies for any bitterness you may sense – but it’s no fun being the victim of a ‘text and run’). I wish someone would tell him ‘you ought to be ashamed of yourself!’ and mean it.
Or maybe this is perfectly acceptable behaviour nowadays and someone just forgot to send me the memo? If so, please enlighten me.
Have any of you received bad news like the ones described above (or worse) via text, tweet or similar? Been sacked, dumped, hurt and humiliated by several different technologies? Share your stories with me because I don’t want to feel as though it’s just me.
Cheers, big ears
A friend of mine had her dad ask her mum for a divorce through an email. Does that count? Considering it was a 25+ year marriage, that’s pretty bad.
Oh and I found out one of my colleague’s mum had cancer via his facebook status. I guess it was the quickest way to tell everyone, right?
My dad told me via email when my dog died. I think the subject was “We lost Daisy today,” which I thought meant she’d run away and would be home soon, so I was really upset when I realised I’d misunderstood. He had good intentions, but perhaps didn’t realise how cold it would feel to find out this way – it brought me to tears instantly and I wish someone had been on the other line for me to speak to.
Kate – yeh, that counts! After 25yrs? Ridiculous!
Jess – if I recall, you also came to tears instantly when we were in Spain and your dad and sent you an email to say he was selling/ giving away your car 😦
Bela that is awful. how much more horrific to be in all caps. I HATE THE USE OF ALL CAPS!! and yes, have been dumped via email as well as text. It’s just a very common thing now…for cowards. And there IS now a rule guide, although it doesn’t cover things like this, because IT IS COMMON SENSE! (yeah, I went there!) I don’t know, people are growing ever insensitive, and really don’t realise that some things are sacred and deserve the respect of at least an attempted phone call, not a network broadcast on fb or an insensitive break-up via text speak (ths isnt wrkn out 4 me). Oh the ‘rules’ are on wired mag website, an article called How to Behave, rules for the evolved human. or something like that.
My friend was dumped via text. It was not a long relationship or anything and the guy was a so and so but still, the technology just highlighted the lengths he would go to act like a jerk. I suppose it is pretty difficult b/c the technology is so abrupt and lacking in emotin and it hurts more that way 😦
Thanks for your stories! Interesting that so far the responses are from girls talking about guys delivering bad news in this way :O
Hmmm interesting observation… guys, any reports of girls doing you wrong via text/email?
If I ever receive another text that starts, “Don’t want to mess you about but…” and then a fairly important (and honest, but previously omitted) detail of the person’s situation following, then I might start asking for that fill-in-the-blank upon first meeting. Boys and girls, please don’t rely on that cop out for confessions.
And yes I also did cry when I got the email that my car had been sold without warning, good memory!
I just don’t reply, is that worst than replying with bad news?
Kate Ho!
Ok, well, considering I’m still single, I think that’s just karma coming to bite me …
A friend of mine texted her boyfriend’s mother to thank her for some birthday money. She wrote something like “Just thought you should know that I spent the money you sent on a new white purse! Thanks loads!”
The mother just about panicked when she got a text starting with “Just thought you should know…” The screen cut the rest of the message off, and before she could scroll down and read the rest, she was plagued by terrible thoughts: “What, are you pregnant? Is my son dead? Have you broken up?”
She was mightily relieved to read the rest of the message, but not before a reasonable amount of anxiety and concern.
I thought it was pretty interesting, and funny, because it was such a mundane message, and still caused a brief panic.
Sounds like there is an excellent opportunity for a web start up – dumpherfromadistance.com. Or maybe just dumpr.com
“Someone posted a message for you at itsnotyouitsme.com. Log in to see his pitiful excuse”
I’ll get working on it…
Bill,
I like itsnotyouitsme.com – I just checked it out and it looks like the domain is brought 😦 Its’ a shame, because I think it would have been a useful idea …
Ah I love it, good plan Bill! Well, itsnotyouitsme.co.uk is available… or dumponthenet.com… think this definitely has potential! (though hope my enthusiasm for such a site doesn’t come back to bit me)
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I love reading through a post that can make people think.
Also, many thanks for permitting me to comment!
My husbands sister sent a group text to her brothers notifying them that their dad passed. My husband got the text at work and was embarrassed when he broke down. He texted his sister later and told her a call at home would of been more appropriate so he could of broke down and cried in private. So inconsiderate.